BREAKING: Bad Religion Signs Multi-Album Deal with Hillsong Church Records — Converts to Christian Rock

In a shocking and surreal twist no one saw coming, iconic punk rock band Bad Religion has announced a multi-album deal with Hillsong Church Records, marking a complete reversal of their decades-long anti-religious stance. The band, whose very name has stood as a critique of organized religion since 1980, is reportedly embracing a new musical and spiritual direction as a Christian rock act.

At a press conference held earlier today in Sydney, frontman Greg Graffin, who holds a Ph.D. in zoology and has long been a vocal skeptic of religion, appeared wearing a modest cross necklace and introduced himself as “Pastor Graffin.” He told stunned reporters, “After years of questioning everything, we’ve found answers in faith. Our new music will reflect that journey.”

Their upcoming album, “The Divine Process of Belief,” features tracks such as “American Jesus (Returns),” “Generator of Light,” and “Do What You Want (If It’s God’s Will).” Insiders claim the band is working closely with Hillsong worship leaders to blend their signature punk sound with uplifting gospel choruses.

Bassist Jay Bentley stated, “It’s not selling out—it’s buying in. Spiritually.” Meanwhile, founding guitarist Brett Gurewitz has denied rumors that this is a performance-art prank, saying, “I’ve started tithing. This is real.”

Longtime fans are split between disbelief and outrage. Online forums are flooded with conspiracy theories, many insisting this must be a satirical stunt. Some, however, have already dubbed the transformation “the Second Coming of Punk.”

The first single, “Crossbuster Redeemed,” drops next week on all streaming platforms — including a debut performance scheduled at the next Hillsong Worship Conference.

Heaven help us all.